You Misunderstand Me!

Misinterpreting information can be a dangerous thing and it happens all the time in our everyday relationships. Misunderstanding has caused break-ups, divorce and all around hostility. We think we communicated effectively to the other person and at the same time the other person believes they completely understand what you said. When in truth, both of you are on different playing fields. Misinterpretation is like the poker face in a poker game, one player is trying to read between the lines, “Is he bluffing or telling the truth?”  Unsure and not wanting to take the risk to simply find out, they fold in their cards. Many of us do this same thing in relationships. Instead of risking the chance of being wrong by voicing our concerns, we simply give up.

I speak from experience. Getting to know anyone new, whether it’s a friend, co-worker or family member, takes not only patience but boldness. In any new relationship you’re going to misunderstand something coming from that other person, whether it’s an idea or a comment. You have to understand that we all grew up in different environments, around different people. We all hold different ideals and relay them differently. I’m not saying we can’t share certain ideals and thoughts, but coming to agreement on those ideals and thoughts can sometimes be rough. Have you ever got lost and found a new way to get to a common destination? Two separate roads led you to the same spot, but the scenery was a lot different. That’s how it is in a conversation. One person is coming up one road and the other coming up another road. They are both trying to reach the same destination. The same thing that happens when driving happens in conversations, one or both parties get lost. Sometimes the only way to get back on track is to get directions. Here is an example of misinterpretation.

Judy woke up and got ready for work. Her husband was still asleep when she entered the bathroom. Thankfully, he was awake when she returned from the bathroom. She didn't have time to stop by the store before or after work and she really needed him to go shopping. They only had a few items in the fridge and the roll in the bathroom was the last of the toilet paper.

“Morning.”

“Hey, sleepy head. I’m running late, my alarm clock didn't go off again.”

Judy’s husband nods and lays back down. When she’s dressed she taps her husband on the shoulder to make sure he is still awake.

“Hey, I’m going to head out. Get the groceries. I’ll be back late.”

“Okay, hun, have a nice day.”

Judy’s work day is over and it’s late. She returns to her home and heads to the bathroom. Only to find the brown cardboard tube staring back at her. She quickly leaves the bathroom, thinking maybe her husband forgot to put on another roll. The closet doesn't hold any toilet paper. Judy checks the fridge to find it equally empty. Her husband is in the living-room watching television.

“Rob, I thought you said you would get the groceries?”

“Huh?”

Her husband looks at her with a baffled expression.

“No, I remember. You said, ‘I’ll get the groceries.’”

“No! I said, ‘Get the groceries!’”

Here is a simple, yet, a bit silly example of how a person can misunderstand you. As silly as this is, many people have similar occurrences in their lives. They get into crazy arguments accusing each other of lying or worse. The easiest way for this disaster to have been avoided was for Rob to repeat back what he thought she said. I call this step, “Getting confirmation.” Just like when you order something online, you receive your confirmation by text or email. To simply assume everything went through isn't always the wisest action. Sometimes there’s a glitch in the system and it doesn't compute. Our brains are similar to that. Miscommunication or misunderstanding is our brains natural glitch. It is best to send or give confirmation.

If Rob said, “So you’re picking up the groceries?” Like he was thinking, Judy could have corrected him.

Or if Judy had repeated her request more clearly a second time the dilemma could have been avoided. “Remember Rob, get the groceries, I won’t be able to tonight.”

There still may be some times of misunderstanding, even when implementing the confirmation technique, but that’s fine. Make sure you talk it over with the person and try to explain a bit more thoroughly. Don’t get fed up and frustrated just because the person doesn't understand everything you’re saying. Take the time to communicate with them and straighten things out. Understanding doesn't always come easy, so let’s be patient and take the time to practice effective communication.